Lately, I've been going for a run in the mornings because Lobster got a new job and we had to switch our dog walking routine. So I'll work out in the mornings and walk the dog at night. It seemed like an excellent plan when we decided to make the switch. But after further consideration, I have come to conclude this was a dangerous decision. For me, anyway.
On my morning runs I have noticed a disturbing trend among the people living in my neighborhood. Evidently, NO ONE looks in their mirrors before zooming down their driveway. Moreover, it seems that everyone is in a mad hurry to get down their driveways every morning judging by the 40 MPH speed at which zoom (without looking). At least four times per run, I encounter a jackass neighbor who careens down his driveway while I'm standing at the edge of it glaring at him. As soon as he's down the driveway and halfway into the street he sees me and is always shocked.
Really, moron? You're shocked that there's a person on the SIDEWALK? You just can't believe that anyone would be, oh I don't know, traveling along the sidewalk and quite possibly at the same time that you decide to careen down your driveway without so much as a cursory glance? How have you survived this long without killing anyone or running over a child on a bike?
This type of behavior is so common in my neighborhood that I've become very cautious when I run. I will wait by the edge of the driveway until I'm certain they've seen me or until they speed past me in reverse and the coast is clear (every time with a look of shock on their face that I'm there). But this morning was different.
After waiting for three other zooming driveway idiots, I was almost done with my run when I come across the fourth idiot of the morning. This time, he's sitting in his car in the driveway. The windows are tinted so I can't see whether he sees me. But he's not moving and I'm just waiting at the edge jogging in place. After about two minutes of waiting, I decide I'm just going to go around him. So I start rushing past and the second I'm right behind his car he decides it's time to fly down the drive in reverse. I literally had to use my hand on the back of his car to launch myself around the back of the vehicle so I wouldn't get squashed. The sound my hand made on the car must have sounded to him like he hit a small animal because he screeched to a halt and I saw the shadow of his head turn and look in my general direction.
At which point I made some rude gestures and yelled, "WHAT THE F****??!!"
Generally, I would not scream the f-bomb at a perfect stranger who is also my neighbor, but I think the circumstance called for it.
Anyhoo, I have no idea what he did after that because I took off running again. If he had gotten out of the car to apologize I was fairly certain more f-bombs would fly. And I try to limit myself to one or two f-bombs a day.
If that wasn't exciting enough, three minutes later a yappy devil dog comes out of nowhere and rushes down the sidewalk yapping its head off. As I get closer, the demon won't move so I yell, "MOVE, DOG!" and try to run around it. But as I'm trying to ignore the stupid thing and continue on my run, I realize the yapper is following me and trying to bite my heels! I am literally about *thisclose* to turning and kicking it (not hard, I do love animals) when I see a man walk out of his house and start calling the thing home. He gives me a look like I'm the one who possessed his dog to come chasing after me like a rabid hellhound.
I was *thisclose* to punching him in the face.
Lucky for me, I made it home without further incident. I don't think I could have taken much more. It's pretty exhausting being almost run over and then chased by Satan's yappy spawn.
