My weekend was...interesting.
As you may have gathered from my last post, Lobster came to town this weekend (hooray!). We had no real plans to do anything except hang out with friends so Saturday we got up and spent the day about town running errands and window shopping. Yes, ladies, Lobster likes to shop with me. I am probably the luckiest woman alive. He cooks, he shops, he is very tall and manly. A lucky girl, indeed.
But I digress. So, we're shopping in one of our favorite places: a bookstore. We exit said bookstore in a state of after-purchase giddiness. We enter the car and a popular booty-shaking song is on the radio. We do some car dancing. I begin to carefully back out of my parking space...
Talent #1: I am a master dingbat. I excel at being an idiot. I should have a Ph.D. in Buffoonery. Why? Read on...
While backing up, I check all my mirrors like a good girl. Lobster and I are chatting and laughing and I am checking my mirrors. I am almost done backing up when I hear a sickening crunch. My reaction: freeze and drop a few F-bombs, check the rear mirror to see a large car far too close for comfort, fumble with the gear shifter thingy to pull forward and continue dropping F-bombs, sometimes spiced with a little "mother" and "sonofa" for good measure.
In case you hadn't noticed, in times of high stress or extreme distress, I turn into a sailor.
Anyhoo, I manage to pull into an empty space and jump out of the car to assess the damage. Luckily, their vehicle was not damaged. Probably because it was the size of the Titanic. Which is also probably the reason why it was sticking so far out of its parking spot. But it does not, in fact, explain why I FAILED TO SEE IT.
My poor Beluga, on the other hand, has a dent in her rear corner bumper and the corner of the hatch. After trying to exchange insurance information (they didn't want to and I am 98% sure that it's because they didn't have any), I got back in the car and burst into tears. Lobster knew that he needed to let me cry it out and so he sat patiently and said soothing words. Lobster also knew that because I have Period-Head, I was far more emotionally sensitive than any rational person should be. So he just let me cry. He is a very smart man.
I am still very upset at myself. I feel stupid and embarrassed and, most of all, guilty for having hurt my sweet, shiny new Beluga. And I can't afford to have it fixed right now so she's just going to have to go around wearing her shiny new bruise for a while. Poor Beluga.
Talent #2: I am an excellent baker. Which means I should probably bake more. Oh, huzzah.
I promised Lobster I would make him my Yum Yum Chicken goodness on Saturday night. I was very nervous that he might not like it. Or that I would screw it up somehow. Thankfully, neither of those things happened. He loved it and we have added one dish to our list of things I can cook for dinner! My list now has a grand total of...wait for it...ONE thing I can cook...er, bake! Woo!
Talent #3: I am an exceptional navigator when I am intoxicated.
The past two weekends in a row I have ended up blitzed on a Saturday night. This is not normal for me. Nor is it pleasant the next morning. But it sure is a fabulous source of entertainment for Lobster. The past two Saturdays that I've managed to drink far too much, Lobster has been a good boy and driven us home. Of course, each time we've been in strange cities (for him) where he does not know his way around. In both instances I have come to the rescue. Also in both instances, Lobster is shocked beyond words that my directions are actually right. It's almost insulting how surprised he is.
By way of background: I can get lost in a paper bag.
Unless, it seems, I am completely schnockered. Awesome.
Talent #4: I am the World's Best Solution Finder. Especially when it comes to finding cheap solutions to expensive problems. Behold...
Remember my latest self-imposed
Guess what? Pre-made slipcovers cost just as much, if not more, than buying fabric! For the love of Pete. But I did notice that JC Penny's had some on sale for about $30 a pop. Hell yes, I thought and sped over to the nearing JC Penny's Outlet store.
Surprise, surprise, they did not have any slipcovers. I am dismayed. I am about to give up hope and resign myself to a fate of lounging in grandma chairs. But then, as I walk by the curtain section, I have an epiphany:
(cue angels singing and a beam of light shining on the rows of curtains) Curtains, dear friends, are simply yards and yards of fabric with hemmed seams. (cue Hallelujah chorus)
I found 72-inch ivory twill (the fabric I'd been eyeing all along since it's easy for beginners and looks nice and natural) curtain panels for $6.99 each! I bought seven.
BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I cannot explain to you the elation I felt at having once again found a loophole in the Fascist Movement to Trap Non-Clever Consumers In Spending Ungodly Amounts of Money on Overpriced Fabric. Okay, maybe there's no real Movement, but if there were I would have annihilated it!
I am a winner!
My next task it to actually make the slipcovers. Be afraid. Be very afraid. I know I am.
So, that's my weekend in review where I reveal that I am extraordinarily multi-talented individual. Go me.